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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Cloudy

I think I had too much sugar today because I'm feeling myself slipping into more of a depressed mood today. I can't keep my eyes off the calendar. I'm not really counting the days until he leaves but I feel them coming closer. It's looming. There's this permanent cloud over my life, our lives, and we're hoping we can make it home before it rains because we don't have an umbrella. The cloud is about to burst.

It doesn't help that our visitors are still here. Right about now I want to curl up with Brandon, let him rub my back and make me feel better like he always does, but I can't. I can barely fit on the couch. It's killing me that I've lost total control of my house these last two weeks. All I can see is mess. And it's not even that messy. But that's what I see. I see the stuff on the counters and the pet fur along the baseboards. I feel the sand under my feet and the something stinky on the kitchen floor. I'm losing my mind!

Our guests leave tomorrow night. It was fun having them here, it really has been. I'm exhausted from doing tons of things, but it's been nice being a sort of tourist. I've let my emotions get the best of me sometimes. I have an issue with letting go on control (as noted in the above paragraph). I like things a certain way and sometimes I get whiny/snappy when they aren't. I've been trying so hard to be nice and be good. I really have been. I know I've slipped up more times than I'd like to admit and I'm sorry for that. I really enjoy having our guests. The problems all lie with me.

I feel the pressure of this deployment coming on. Sometimes I feel good about him leaving. I have a plan, I have friends, I can take care of myself. Then I think of cooking dinner for one, doing only my laundry, sharing a bed with only my dog and my pillows, and laughing at our favorite TV shows alone. I just wish it was here so I can just start it, already. But then I don't. I see myself holding out my hand and feeling each day, each hour, slipping by. I love him! It is what it is. This too shall pass.

Sorry if this is rambling too much... I'm just going with my train of thought right now... thanks for reading. :) Writing always soothes me a little bit and I know there's some of you out there who have been through this before who can give me some advice!

5 comments:

Lacey said...

I know how you feel. My boyfriend is deploying to Afghanistan soon!! I've been feeling those same emotions lately. It's tough, but all of us will get through it! I promise! I'm a new follower of your blog. :)

Hang in there!
Lacey

Kaylee said...

i remember feeling such similar feelings before my husband was going to deploy. i know it's hard, but you can do it. just try to cherish all the moments you get to spend with him before he leaves!

Jesse and Marissa said...

Enjoy every moment together! It's hard, but it's strange how much you get used to it. You still have that void of your husband being gone...But you just have to press on, and try to be as positive as possible!

By the way... I'm going to send you a message on facebook tonight about some Hawaii stuff :)

Happy Life As An Army Wife said...

We're having a lot of the same thoughts. I feel exactly the way you do about it looming overhead as well as you just wanting it to start already. This waiting game is unfairly painful. :(

Kayla Sue said...

I remember these feelings all too well. As hard as it is to believe, it does get better, and you can get through it. I hated adjusting to life without him, but it's something we all have to do just to get through the day. Soon, you'll recreate 'normal', and then when he comes home you'll have to do it all over again! :)